I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
