You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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