I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
