I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
