Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
