i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
