So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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