you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
