Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
