TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize