Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
