The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
