Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
be right there i have to get my cape
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
