One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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