How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
