Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
