Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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