She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
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