Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
