i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
