So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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