You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
