speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
