You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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