Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
