And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
