his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
