Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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