Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
