is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
