Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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