Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize