I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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