dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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