Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
