i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Randomize
