You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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