my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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