I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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