Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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