90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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