Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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