What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
