i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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