i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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