id be glad to
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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