you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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