can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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