we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
