Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
