i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
