I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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