R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
