i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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