everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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