The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
