They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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