The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
