toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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