What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
