Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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